Self-love, self-care, self-abandonment (and money)

People in failing relationships often become uncaring or neglectful. "If you can't be bothered," they say to themselves "Nor can I!" One of the biggest revelation for me in therapy was my failing relationship with myself. I was treating myself like I wanted to break up!

I took my good points for granted instead of celebrating them. I didn't think creatively about what could bring me joy. I was neglectful of my every day needs: my home was a mess; I didn't take good care of my health - my sleep hygiene was poor, I drank too much and I barely exercised.

As my therapist put it I had "abandoned myself". It did not feel good. And, of course, the worst bit of treating yourself like you want to break up is that you can't do so and live. You only become more and more miserable and trapped with time.

Thankfully there was an answer. A previously uncaring and neglectful partner who becomes considerate and fun can re-ignite the spark and make you fall in love again.

Similarly a person who has abandoned themselves who begins to show themselves care and love falls back in love with themselves.

In essence, even though each of us is only one person, we act as if there is an element of reciprocity in how we treat ourselves.

If we aren't loving and caring to ourselves we sulk and refuse ourselves future love and care. We act as if there is someone else in the equation who should do better, but it's just us!

Because we are angry and disgusted with ourselves for not looking after our wellbeing, we refuse to do the things that would improve our wellbeing as a kind of self-punishment.

The fix is to see the cycle for what it is and realise no one else can break it. we have to start showing ourselves the love and care we crave.

We have to treat ourselves as worthy of love and care in order to believe it, it doesn't work the other way around because the physical evidence is against us.

This is true both in the sensible ways (washing the dishes, getting fresh air, and going to bed instead of doomscrolling) and in the fun ways (taking a day trip, dancing like no one is watching, buying a small indulgence - like fresh flowers or fancy socks).

We have to make a commitment to ourselves. After all we're in this relationship for life. If we can't be happy in it, we can't be happy.

I have said before that we use money to treat ourselves the way we believe we deserve to be treated. 

That means that if we don't believe we deserve comfort and peace of mind, we will mis-manage our money so there's never enough and we are constantly stressed. 

The internal dialogue that says "If you can't be bothered, nor can I!" can get very strong around money, even for people who take excellent care of themselves in other ways.

That's why I'm inviting you to make 2023 the year you make a real commitment to yourself.

This is the year to show yourself some genuine consideration and prove to yourself that you are deserving of your own love.

The changes I've made since therapy weren't easy. I've had times of backsliding. The voice of self-resentment is loud at the beginning. One day of not wiping the cooker down properly or taking the lift instead of the stairs and it was easy to feel both that I had failed and that I was unworthy of a clean home and a healthy body. And if I wasn't worthy of it, why make the effort?

Because of this I know that structures and support to get started and stay motivated are vital, especially in the early stages. My therapist would ask about my self-care every week.

So, to help you not only get started but stay committed to yourself and to using money to treat yourself like you are worthy of love and care, I have developed a new programme that starts at the end of this month (January 2023). I'm very excited to share it with you.

My Year of Action is a small group coaching programme that I have been planning and testing for literally years. Now it's ready to launch starting this January 31st. I'm very excited!

(For those of you who have completed My Money Canvas, the programme maps onto the areas on the Canvas, so you can prioritise the areas you identified as needing the most attention. For those who haven’t sign up to my newsletter to get the free download, there’s a form on my home page.)

Because it's  the first time I'm running My Year of Action, I'm offering it at a heavily discounted rate, so it's works out at just £39 a month!

Given that one of my testers cut her costs by £600 a year in the first month, I reckon this is a great deal. You can show yourself a lot of love with £600.

To find out more and book your place, just click the button.

I can't wait to see you there!